For the First Time

There are times when I get so fixated at earning some things that I fail to grasp the whole point of the entire process.

I tend to wrap things up nicely, to put up a pretty wall to conceal the shambles, and to proudly claim that it was difficult to begin with, and that it wasn’t what I really wanted, just to save face. But things got so messy that even if I wanted to, I can’t salvage any rummage-able from the scattered debris.

I’m faced with the fact that not all broken things are meant to be fixed; that I should just let the damaged stuff lying where they are because part of that process is to stand up and walk past everything everyday until things stop getting in my head.

I just need suck it up and admit that it stings a bit because it didn’t work out. It probably never will. But that’s not too bad because I’ve been here before. And like the old times, I will get over it.

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maARTe

Naglalakad kami ni Donna papunta sa sakayan ng jeep ng Katipunan. Freshie pa lang kami nun at nakasalubong namin si Ate Issay na pa-graduate na ata. Kumaway ako at medyo napamura sa isip ko. Nakalimutan kong hindi nga pala niya ako kilala sa personal.

Sikat si Ate Issay nung high school. Paano ba naman, ang lakas ng dating niya, mabait at talentado. Ang ganda niyang babae at makisig kung sakaling naging lalaki. Basta, maniwala kayo kapag sinabi kong marami siyang napapakilig kapag dumadaan siya sa mga classroom naming mga undergrads.

Kapatid niya si Raha. Akala ko nun papasa siya sa TDT. Imba kasi talaga ang art skillz niya.

Naalala ko rin nung unang beses kong pumunta sa Marist Fair kasama ang mga ka-service ko. Napagtripan kami ng mga nasa jail booth at bigla na lang kaming kinulong sa may track oval. Dumating nun si Raha at ininterview kami kung anong nararamdaman namin.

Ang babaw pero medyo na-starstruck talaga ako sa kanya nun. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na nakikinita mo na malayo ang mararating niya sa buhay dahil magaling siya. Yung tipong masasabi mo na lang sa mga kasama mo kapag lumabas siya sa TV na, “uy, may isang punto sa buhay ko na nakadaupang-palad ko siya.”

Humahanga akong lubos kay Raha. Hindi niya tinalikuran ang pangarap niyang pumasok sa UP kahit na sa unang beses ay itinakwil siya nito. Nasa UP na pala siya ngayon at solid pa rin ang passion para sa sining.

*****

Sa totoo lang, naiinggit ako sa kanila.

Pero hindi yung klaseng inggit na mapag-imbot, yung tipong raaawr gusto ko sirain ang buhay nila para di na ako maging miserable blah blah blah. Hindi rin yung talento nila ang kinaiingitan ko. Naiingit ako sa kanila kasi hindi pa ako nakararanas na maging kasing passionate nila sa ginagawa ko.

Gusto kong balikan yung panahong nangangarap pa lang akong makapasok sa UP. Gusto kong balikan yung panahong kakalabas pa lang ng results ng UPCAT. Dahil nung mga panahong yun, buhay na buhay pa ang pangarap ko. Dahil nung mga panahong yun, buhay na buhay pa ako.

 *****

Tatlong taon na rin ang nakalipas. Hindi ko na nga matandaan kung anong eksaktong tinanong ko noon kay Ate Issay nung ininterview ko siya, pero sinubukan kong bumuo ng tanong base sa mga sagot niya.

BB: Musta ang acads?
IR: Ok naman sa acads. sa major subjects, I’m getting bored–it has beeen a week now and our profs are still in vacation mode. Sa GE subjects, well I got the easy ones kasi I thought this sem would be hard kasi mini thesis. Ayun nagstart na ang mga GE. I’m trying to start the sem right kasi gusto ko ok sana yung GWA ko this sem para umabot ako ng magna.

BB: May ‘social life’ ka pa ba?
IR: Interpersonal relationships well. I got too much of it last sem na I got myself in trouble na. Now I’m trying to stay away from “happy hours”–i want to save my organs AND I want to stay outta trouble. I also try to spend my precious time helping my sister out sa orphanage. It gives me the same bliss naman when I’m with my friends and blockmates so why go partying? (May bago pa ko friends.)

BB: Musta ang buhay sa UP?
IR: School’s culture, actually nagsasawa na ko dito. Haha! Specifically FA culture. You know, college kids here are sort of wild and I’m tired of the pa-artist culture nila dito. I believe na it’s ok to fool around once in a while pero I dont wanto live out the culture here all my life. I was used to St. Scho’s values and routines and I can’t take the slacker’s attitude here. (Am I beginning to sound cynic? Haha.) Isa pa. Karamihan ng mga tao dito agnostic/(pa)agnostic/no God/adventists/scientologist/lahat na! So sometimes when I speak about my work na minsan tungkol sa religion ko, I can;t seem to reach them kasi iba yung sensibilities nila compared sa Roman Catholics.

BB: Anong extra curricular activities mo?
IR: Well, I’m busy finishing paintings for the art fair this 27th of the month here in FA. I’m really looking forward to Christmas lantern parade on december. Punta ka!

Naglalakad kami ni Donna papunta sa sakayan ng jeep ng Katipunan nang makasalubong namin si Ate Issay. Kumaway ako at nagulat nang ngumiti siya pabalik.

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INC

INC

I have about 20 unfinished blog entries in my hard drive. They’re neatly filed into categories. A couple of them even have separate folders to contain the visual representation I affiliate with the overall theme of the piece.

It’s like a clouded pool of thoughts. It’s almost murky, oftentimes resembling the color of Kyle’s pogi pants last week. (It’s yellow ochre for me, but others insisted that they were either orange or khaki.) Whenever I’m craving for a release of some sort, I’ll dust their covers off and bring them out of the obscure corner I’ve lousily shoved them into.

It should be pretty obvious by now. I was never a finisher.

Back in high school, I’d spend summer vacations learning piano pieces from classical music, video game themes and popular songs. But I never had the resolve to complete a whole song and I’ve always had an excuse up my sleeve. If I picked up my keyboard again today, I’d probably only be able to play the pieces from the memory of my hand muscles. That wouldn’t amount to much.

“A myriad of things,” RV said.

I was weirded out at first, but for some reason, I’ve taken a fancy over that four – word phrase. It’s a conveniently packaged mantra for lazy people who do not want to exert any effort mustering up a logical explanation for things they’re held responsible for. Not to mention that it actually adds a certain degree of mystery to circumstance; something fans of mind games may take a liking at.

Let me borrow it, even just for this morning. Allow me to say that, “a myriad of things is stopping me from finishing the things I’ve started.”

I know it’s basically a dumb lie. I could sugarcoat my lifestyle of procrastination in a multitude of ways and for as long as I can. But it wouldn’t change anything.

I’m sitting here, wondering if I’ll ultimately end up just like the painting I saw in the Yuchengco Museum that day: crudely half-baked and essentially unfinished.

The AdMU Secret Files

There’s something delicate about the confessions in the ASF. They’re a far cry from the overly liberated (and SPG – rated) entries in TDF. It’s refreshing. But the oddities are equally interesting.

Case in point, what is this Great Wall of China they speak of?

AdMU Secret Files 3I think they even have a rule against dating a block mate or something. What the hell is that for?

AdMU Secret Files 7Why do some people still mistake social awkwardness for introversion?

AdMU Secret Files 5Apparently, even THE great blue school has umbrella thiefs (sorry, this one’s a wee bit superficial).

AdMU Secret Files 2Why do they go nuts (bad pun intended) about their basketball players?

AdMU Secret Files 6Why is their innocence almost tear-jerking?

AdMU Secret Files

Ooops. I guess I spoke too soon.

AdMU Secret Files 4But yeah, even if I don’t get some of their semantics, I’ve switched to their side. OBF! (Just kidding.)

Patigasan

Ang tigas pala talaga ng ulo ko. Sinabihan na niya akong baka pagsisihan ko rin lang naman yung desisyon ko. Kaso maangas ako e, kaya tinuloy ko pa rin.

Naalala ko na naman nga yung sinabi ni Maam MLV na “charge to experience.” Putangina. “Charge to experience” na naman ba? Wala bang iba? ‘Di ba parang nakakasawa na?

At sa totoo lang, nabugbog talaga ang utak ko kakaisip ng sagot sa tanong na wala naman ata talagang kasagutan. Nung napagod ako kakaisip, tumakbo naman ako. At nung napagod ako sa kakatakbo, wala akong ginawa kundi magtago o di kaya’y manggago ng ibang tao. Ayoko kasing nararamdaman ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin na malungkot ako. Ayokong nakikita nilang lugmok ako. Ewan, siguro sadyang napakataas lang ng pride ko.

Ngunit sa pagkakataong ito ay mukhang natalo na talaga niya ako. At okay lang yun. Unti-unti ko nang natatanggap na natalo ako sa sariling larong sinumulan ko.

Delaying Tactics 2

Mornings and coffee are inseparable. Or so I thought.

For almost a week now, I have done away with my early-morning dose of coffee. I had to limit my coffee consumption to cap the acid reflux. I thought it would be a struggle. But it wasn’t really that hard.

Maybe, it just goes to show that we overvalue the impact of certain details to our lives.

On a totally unrelated subject matter, I sense some irony here. I’ve written 300 words for my blog while I still have a 1800-word essay due for our Construction class. Honestly though, who would have enough feelings to write such a lengthy reflection paper about ground dirt?