Counterfactual Thinking

It’s vexing when feelings strike hard at 1 AM. I woke up dazed from a good night’s sleep, wondering which of the emotions I had lousily shoved at the recesses of my mind has decided to wreak havoc in my body clock.

The silence is killing me. All I hear is some white noise from this room’s air conditioning unit and the clicking sound which the keyboard of my laptop makes as I type this blog entry. I’m pretty sure that if ever I turn the AC off, I’d be able to hear my own faint heartbeat. It’s too damn quiet. And it’s awful. It makes me think of how things would have turned out differently had I made a set polarly opposite resolutions.

If only I chose to stand by what I thought was more relevant to my situation, then I wouldn’t have suffered such an inconvenience. Had I cared less about how others would judge me for what I had done that time, then I would have been more straightforward. What if I stopped with all the mind games to save face, would all the perplexities of every corner I’ve cut cease to torment me?

Then again, no one’s bound to know if altering the decisions I’ve made at definite intervals would simply reverse the aftermath. Even if the circumstances dictate that a certain choice be equivalent to a certain set of results, it’s futile to stay hung up on things I can’t really change.

I’m lost.

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