I was trying to compensate for the emotional void I was feeling this morning in any way possible. I brought it upon myself so it was only natural that I had to fix it on my own. However, when I had the chance to blow off some steam, I ended up venting my frustrations out on a friend.
Even if she admitted that she had been unintentionally condescending, I still feel terrible for having been such a sensitive prick. Still, there was a part of me that hated her for being right about how I had this habit of biting off more than I could chew. What I loathed more was that she blatantly pointed out my major flaw, despite my effort to overcome it. But in my defense, I’ve done the things I’ve done today because I wanted to force change upon myself.
I want to stop depending on the discipline others impose on me. I want to let go of the little unnecessary things to accommodate the larger, more significant matters. I want to know how to control my burst of emotions so they won’t get the best of me. I want to stop lowering the bar I set just to inhibit self – devaluation for not having been able to meet my own expectations. I want to stop thinking that I’m this worthless piece of shit who’s incapable of doing anything meaningful.
You what sucks harder than having a trampled self – esteem? It’s having to hear it from others, thereby serving as an unsolicited confirmation of your insignificance in this competitive world. But for what it’s worth, please give me a chance.