Miserably Inadequate

I was trying to compensate for the emotional void I was feeling this morning in any way possible. I brought it upon myself so it was only natural that I had to fix it on my own. However, when I had the chance to blow off some steam, I ended up venting my frustrations out on a friend.

Even if she admitted that she had been unintentionally condescending, I still feel terrible for having been such a sensitive prick. Still, there was a part of me that hated her for being right about how I had this habit of biting off more than I could chew. What I loathed more was that she blatantly pointed out my major flaw, despite my effort to overcome it. But in my defense, I’ve done the things I’ve done today because I wanted to force change upon myself.

I want to stop depending on the discipline others impose on me. I want to let go of the little unnecessary things to accommodate the larger, more significant matters. I want to know how to control my burst of emotions so they won’t get the best of me. I want to stop lowering the bar I set just to inhibit self – devaluation for not having been able to meet my own expectations. I want to stop thinking that I’m this worthless piece of shit who’s incapable of doing anything meaningful.

You what sucks harder than having a trampled self – esteem? It’s having to hear it from others, thereby serving as an unsolicited confirmation of your insignificance in this competitive world. But for what it’s worth, please give me a chance.

Ang Gusto ko lang sa Buhay ay…

Nung nag – pseudo overnight kami ng Design group mates ko kina Danna, tinanong ako ng nanay niya kung bakit hindi ako pwedeng umabot hanggang umaga. Gaya nang madalas na nangyayari, nagtawanan lang sila pagkatapos kong sabihing “strict ang parents ko.”

Sa totoo lang, madali namang magpaalam ng lakad sa parents ko basta ba ang lakad na yun ay:

  1. Academic – related
  2. Hindi pang – org

Hindi nga problema sa akin na hinihingan ako ng pangalan ng mga kasama ko, contact number, address at landmark kapag pumunta ako sa bahay ng mga kaibigan ko. Likas lang talaga akong nahihirapang magpaalam kapag ang lakad ko ay:

  1. Hindi academic – related
  2. Pang – org

Pero nakapunta na ako sa UP Fair na garantisadong hindi isang academic – related activity, pagkatapos pa ng event ng Kustura na jeUPardy kung saan kasali kami ni Anna.

Wala rin kasi kaming Arch 5 nun. Naaalala ko pang ginagawan namin si Sir Padre ng kwento na kaya hindi nagkaklase tuwing Valentine’s Day ay dahil magdedate sila ng wifey niya. Well, wala namang masama dun; ang cute pa nga e.

Ang hindi ko lang matandaan ay kung bakit hayok na hayok akong mag UP Fair dati kahit hindi naman ako mahilig sa underground at indie music.

This year sana, gusto ko sanang maging legal yung lakad ko. Kaya nga ni research ko pa ang:

Tips para Makasama sa Lakad ng Barkada

  • Maghugas ng pinggan.
  • Ipasok ang tuyong sinampay.
  • Mag – mop ng sahig.
  • Pakainin ang aso (kaso fuck, wala kaming aso)
  • Linisin ang kwarto.
  • Maligo, magbihis at sabihing MA/PA “alis muna ako. Sasama ako sa kaibigan ko at magwawala kami sa UP Fair. Umaga na ako makakauwi.”
  • Siguraduhin bago sabihin ang nasa itaas na tips, meron kang pera. Dahil wala naman manlilibre sayo at nagpapaalam ka lang.
  • At kapag hindi ka pa rin pinayagan pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa mo sa gawaing bahay, sabihin mo sa kanila na:
Hotdog ni Aljur

(c) matabangutak.tumblr.com

Ang dami kong bull shit. Pero nakaugalian ko na talagang sa halip na kalimutan ang mga di kanais – nais na bagay at tinatabunan ko na lang ito ng mas magagandang alaala.

“Ang gusto ko lang sa buhay ay mag UP Fair kasama siya. Bahala na.”

Status

Doubtstep

I don’t know what the fuck I did to deserve to be this happy. But as ecstatic as I am, I still don’t know why my doubts are eating me up at this ungodly hour in the morning.

I’d love to just shrug them all off and in the process, have fewer qualms and become even happier. However, I’m scared that maybe, the things I’m enjoying right now aren’t really what they appear to be; that the only reason I see them in the first place is because I want things to fall in that particular manner.

It’s like I’m either heading for something heavenly good or something infernally bad. And it’s the uncertainty somewhere in between that’s crushing my soul.

Beta Moments

When Sir Litonjua asked the class what the parallelogram of forces was all about, the eerie silence that came after wasn’t all that surprising. It’s pretty basic stuff, I know. But it’s stunning to see the full extent of what six semesters worth of sleep – depraved nights could possibly do to fog the memory.

Anyway, JA’s unprecedented (and largely sarcastic) laughter went ahead and shattered the sheer awkwardness of the moment. It was the type of laugh you could literally spell out because of the emphasized pronunciation. Sure, it’s a mockery of sorts, but it was utterly hilarious.

Instances like this one make me grateful for his dominating presence, even if, most of the time, I’d rather curse at him for his balls of steel. On top of that, it’s actually good to see that he’s better now, regardless of what has happened.

I still remember that turning point; that plumbing seatwork where we had to draft the Clean Water Layout of a residential building. Having little background on what we were supposed to do, the activity was stressful in itself. But with all his sighing, groaning and banging of stuff, it was apparent that he was upset about something else.

We tried asking him what was wrong but to no avail. (Later on, we found out that it was because of someone—a girl, err. !@#!DASDF@$%^@#$) Still, I considered such reckless display of spur – of – the – moment – feelings as the most obnoxious. It was unintentionally reeking off pessimism which was certainly uncalled for in demanding academic moments. Nevertheless, I can’t discount the fact that they’re also the most genuine since they haven’t been altered by any form of pragmatic reasoning.

He goes on with his life expressing his emotions in total vacuum. It even makes me think that he disregards what other people may see since the only projection of himself that matters is his own. It’s a douchey principle, but it saves him from second guessing everything. Maybe, I should learn a bit from him—to be more casual in my self – expression, to approach concerns in a little less gungho manner and to, ultimately, bring a similar euphoria to the people that make me happy.

Threesome

Hindi naman kami nagmakaawa kay Sir. Wala rin namang pananakot na naganap. At mas lalong di namin ginustong magkasakit siya. Pero sa totoo lang, pangatlong beses nang naeextend yung deadline ng plate namin sa Design.

Okay lang naman na paminsan – minsan, binibigyan ka nang pagkakataong ayusin yung mga parteng hindi mo nagawa nang tama sa kakamadali. Parang binibigyan ka rin kasi nila ng pagkakataong huminga, maging normal na tao at ipagpatuloy kung ano ang nasimulan mo. Kaso nga lang, sa pangalawa at pangatlong pagkakataon, parang nagsisilbi na rin siyang parusa.

Nakakarindi rin yung bibigyan ka nang mas maraming panahon, yung mas marami pa sa kailangan mo. Kadalasan kasi, ang nagagawa mo lang ay makita kung ano sa aspeto na dinesenyo mo ang mali o di kaya ay kung saan ka pa pwedeng magdadagdag ng detalye. Minsan nga, umaabot pa sa puntong gusto mong ulitin lahat nang ginawa mo kasi para kang nagkaroon ng kapangyarihang ‘di makamundo nung naextend ang deadline ninyo.

Pangatlong beses na. Pangatlong beses nang akala mong tapos na, pero ‘fuck you’ raw kamo kasi hindi pa talaga.

Status

Marooned

All she ever did was place her handbag on the floor. There came an obligatory mazel tov and a red velvet cake smothered in vanilla frosting. Then came something else velvety red, though it wasn’t the cake. It was gushing and spilling and staining all over the mattress, but she didn’t seem to mind.

Before she knew it, she forgot all about the cake.